greatness


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Jake is Great!

While it's true that everyone who has spent any amount of time with me is left with the unmistakable feeling that they were in the presence of greatness, it is an unfortunate consequence of their own non-greatness that they are unable to realize exactly how great I am. Some may "sense" a general "aura" of completeness,or they may "feel" something they can't quite understand. The more advanced among them will recognize the fact that I'm great. Fewer will recognize that I'm the greatest person they'll ever meet, while fewer still will realize that I'm also the greatest person or *thing* that ever has existed, exists presently, or which will ever exist. And I must live with the fact that even the most enlightened will never be able to comprehend more than a small percentage of my greatness. The mind of a Non Great can only absorb so much, and most minds are too cluttered with useless trivia, worries about social security, and other non-Jake-related wastes of intellectual capacity. Fortunately for everybody, I am able to take full advantage of the huge potential of my wonderful brain. In order to further benefit mankind, I am creating this document so that those with the three D's - dedication, devotion, and desire - may increase their awareness of just how great Jake is.

This page will also serve as a reminder to myself of my greatness.

I am Jake. Jake is Great.

Below is a chart showing just how great I am. It shows the popularity of the name "Jacob", alongside a few comparison names of people I know. Those people are Robb, Chuck, Lane, Dave, and Kevin - many of whom are "pretty good" in their own right. The first charted example will use "proper" birth names - not nicknames. Lets see how they stack up:

Obviously, I have been great for as long as I have been alive - what this table demonstrates is that as I matured into adulthood, and made more and more contact with people outside of the limited circle of my childhood, those people in turn began to name their children after me. This data also suggests that Dave, Chuck, Kevin and Robb are losing converts to me, and Lane, while doubling his popularity, has not and will never achieve greatness.

"But Jake", you say, "What about when you query commonly used nicknames?"

To an average person, this seems logical. However, some people, like Kevin and Lane, don't have a commonly used nickname, so I'd have to make one up. However, I will entertain your request, because the data still supports my assertions - the assertions being that I am great.

A value of "--" indicates that this name was not in the top 1000 in popularity for this year.
In the case of Kevin, I made up a nickname similar to the way Robb, Dave, and I shorten our names - by removing the last syllable.

Also, Robb's dad made him spell his name with 2 B's, in the style of music legend Ronn Koerper. I also queried for the more common spelling of "Rob".

How popular am I with the mildly illiterate?

Many people of lesser intellegence like to mix up the letters "C" and "K". So I queried my name, along with other names from the sample group that fit the prerequisites, with inverted K's and C's.:

Fascinating! I'm still the greatest! Some might argue that the name Jace wouldn't be pronounced the same as Jake, but it's important to remember that the people naming their kids Jace aren't smart enough to spell it right - are you going to let them decide how it should be pronounced? I think not.

How popular am I with the completely illiterate and the incredibly lazy?

Some people are so lazy or stupid that they are unwilling or unable to spell "Jake" in its entirety. Many of them simply to prefer to name their child "J". How many? Lets see...

First, it's important to note that of all the letters, only "J" has ever been popular by itself. None of the other 25 letters, in the 13 year sample period, even registered in the top 1000 names. Only the Initial of Jake. Jake being the name of he who is great.

Why the demise in popularity of the letter "J" over the years? Part of this is due to the increased Jake-awareness programs that have sprouted up over the country. Volunteers have been tirelessly educating others on the value of a child named Jake, and have actively discouraged the use of the initial "J" as a formal name. As you can see in the chart below, there is a direct correlation between the decrease in "J" and the increase of the name "Jacob". The name "Jake" also follows a similar increase as "J" decreases, which, while not explicitly shown in the following chart, can be demonstrated by a correlation between the following chart and the first chart on this page. I will leave as an exercise to the reader to do this.

Source: http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/ - Your tax dollars hard at work.

That's all for now. I will be updating this page infrequently, in an effort to allow for sufficient re-reading of the material by those with lesser minds. Those people include you.

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