I was mugged


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Tis the Season...

You've seen them. Each year, they're outside your local supermarket or Mega-Store, dressed in Santa hats, ringing their bells, in search of donations. After work last Friday (which was a payday), I passed one of those bellringers on the way to my bank branch, which is inside a local supermarket. Since I didn't have any change or small bills on me, I walked by with a nod hello and a smile.

Without warning, the man in the Santa hat tackled me and demanded that I donate $150 to his charity. It was at this time that I also noticed he'd replaced the bell that had been in his hand with a handgun.

Given that I don't like being shot in the head, I thought it might be a good idea to give him what he wanted. Unfortunately, I only had $50 in cash, which I gave him. The man informed me that I needed to come up with the entire $150, or else he would force me, at gunpoint, to accompany him back to his office, where he would then lock me in what was described as being some sort of detention room. Obviously, I was dealing with a nutjob, so I asked if I could get the remaining $100 out of a nearby ATM.

As we walked into the supermarket (which is where the ATM was), I tried nervously to strike up a friendly conversation. I learned that his charity provides, among other things, food and shelter to society's poor. I also learned that (according to the nutjob that was mugging me) the organization he worked for believes that people won't voluntarily give enough money, so they instituted the current policy of using weapons and threats of imprisonment as a means of forcing people to donate "their fair share." Thirdly, I learned that this nutjob wasn't working for the Salvation Army, as I had previously assumed. No, this nutjob was backed by a far more powerful Army - he was working for the United States branch of the Red Army, more commonly known as the Social Security Administration. And finally, I learned that moving forward, in order to simplify things, I would be "pre-pay-mugged" every week before I even received my paycheck. This way, the argument went, I wouldn't notice that the money I'd earned was being stolen, as I'd never actually see it.

Later I learned that there have been a surprisingly large number of similar muggings all across the country, and that the police won't do anything to help you. In fact, if you try to resist these thieves, the police will actually harass and ultimately arrest you - the victim of these robberies.

Those crazy socialists. You gotta love 'em.

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